Stories | Kamalika's Notebook

Story of A Startup Girl… I Am Not What Happened to Me. I Am What I Choose to Become

September 27, 2021 By Kamalika 1 Comment

In India, the first challenge for a girl child is acceptance. More often than not, families refuse to accept their firstborn as a girl. In that way, Malavika was fortunate that her parents celebrated her and never opted for another child. But was that enough?

I’m Malavika…

I’m Malavika, and this is my story. After finishing my Engineering in Information Technology, I went on doing the CCNA certification, then joined a mid-sized tech company as a Network Support Engineer – and that’s when I realised that my IT basics were not as great as they seemed from my grades which led to many unpleasant challenges in my workplace. After some initial struggles, I quit and opened a small academy to teach diploma engineering students. I was always a good student and managed decent grades, so teaching proved to be better rewarding than a corporate job. But that also stopped after we had a Baby. Oh, did I tell you? I got married by that time, and my husband supported me well in my academic venture. But then I stopped working again because we decided to have a baby, and I wanted to be available for my baby as much as possible, even if that meant losing everything I had.

Was it the right decision to quit everything for my baby girl? Well, that’s where my self-realisation starts, and that’s what I’m going to share with you all today, how I got it all right and all wrong at the same time. My life’s experience tells me that just like the coin has two sides, we must not look at life from one perspective – there’s always another standpoint.

Ajji and I…

I was the only child of my working parents, and ours was a nuclear family. My mother had no option but to join back work right after three months of my birth, as maternity leave was only that much at that time. She appointed a private caregiver woman for me, but it turned out to be a bad idea – because of the maid’s negligence, I developed a mouth infection from the feeding bottle. That episode led to me getting hospitalised for an entire month. My grandparents lived in another city, and my grandmother was furious over my unfortunate illness. She held my mother’s work responsible and gave her an ultimatum – either my mother quits her job, or I move with my grandparents. Aai decided to let me go – I was only five months old by that time.

Life after Ajji…

Granny devoted all her time to my wellbeing for the next five years, probably the best time of my childhood. But God didn’t seem pleased with my happiness – she decided to put me through the pain again. My Ajji was diagnosed with a brain tumour and passed away immediately. I was back at my parents again. Granny was my whole world; she was irreplaceable. I could not deal with her untimely demise and became a difficult child. It was a stressful time for Aai and me. Aai’s very presence was the constant reminder of Ajji’s absence. Five years went by – I became a little better to come to terms with Ajji not being around.

Ajji’s vacuum was so much that I could never become close enough to Aai like a normal girl child. Now I understand Aai better but am still quite detached and in denial to accept Ajji’s death. It is what made me quit everything and be there only for my daughter. But after two years of motherhood, I have started to feel differently. It is crucial to be selfless and love your child unconditionally, but as women, we must empower ourselves to be independent by all means. I failed to weigh my mother’s sacrifices and acted selfishly. Aai was ahead of her time and understood the importance of financial independence.

Baba’s illness…

God was still testing me – there came another unpleasant twist when I was only twelve. My father was detected with a rare psychological disorder. Statistics say it isn’t that rare – almost 5%, close to five million US adults, have been diagnosed with it. The signs start showing pretty early. In my father’s case, he was in his thirties when it began. This tragedy brought my mother and me close as we were the only two warriors to fight through this as a family. It was worse for us because Indian society or the medical system didn’t have sufficient awareness to treat the disorder.

It wasn’t until I got married and my husband guided us to avail right kind of treatment, but by that time, Baba had suffered for almost fifteen years. Initially, we didn’t even know the correct name of the ailment. Last year when I was watching Modern Love on Amazon Prime, I could completely relate to what Lexi (Anne Hathaway) was going through. We have lived those days with my father. This kind of dysfunction plagues the whole family.

I was all grown up…

During all these struggles, I missed developing any aspiration to become something in life. Fortunately, I was a good student and managed to take science as a major in junior college. I finished a diploma and joined engineering directly in the second year. My diploma was in “Electronics and Communication”, and I got “Information Technology” vertical in engineering because of the unavailability of seats in the ECE department. It seems God was still testing me! I didn’t know anything about computer programming, and my first exam was on “Data Structures”! I refused to fail and memorised all the programs like a robot. I cleared the exams but couldn’t develop any actual knowledge. It wasn’t all bad, you know, because this is where I met my first love Pranav who later became my husband.

Marriage, job, Ananya…

I completed my engineering, got married and shifted to Mumbai. I had no idea what to do next – a well-wisher advised me to do a networking course as I was weak in practical computer programming. I did the CCNA certification, which only taught some more theories and no practical knowledge, and needless to say, it did no good to support my job! The workplace became more unpleasant with each passing day, and I decided to start teaching. I received positive responses from the students and took it as a full-time profession. Eventually, some limitations occurred when students other than ECE and IT streams started approaching us, and we couldn’t support them well. By that time, our Baby Ananya was already born.

The beginning two years of Ananya was challenging, but we bravely fought through it, and today she is a healthy child with enormous energy. She is the apple of our eyes. I love my child fiercely and unconditionally, but slowly, I have realised that I have lost touch with my inner self and the outside world in the process of becoming the perfect mother of my child. I’m far away from self-awareness, low in confidence, sometimes down in self-esteem. Pranav always wanted me to become financially independent and came up with many new ideas, but I always went in the opposite direction.

Introspection and new journey…

Today I’m not regretting my life choices but realised I must start the next chapter of life. It is time that I become something my daughter can be proud of, I don’t want her to respond with, “My mother only looks after me and does household chores.” when someone asks her, “what does your mother do?”. One of my close friends runs a startup, and they managed to design a role for me in which I don’t have to deal with computer programming or networking; instead, I have to work with the programmers and other tech people in a servant-leader capacity.

Yes, you are guessing it right! I’m on the pathway to becoming a Scrum Master and eventually an Agile Coach. I don’t know whether I’ll succeed in this endeavour, but this time I’ll give it a real chance and won’t give in easily. My mother’s greatest strength was her education, financial independence and grit and hadn’t I learned anything from her?

I’m Malavika, a startup girl; I have started many times anew in my life. The first time I was few months old, then when I was five and then again when I was twelve. Again, during my engineering, job and motherhood. Now my journey is towards the next level. So far, I have refused to bow down to the play of fate, and it won’t be any different in future.

Disclaimer: The narrative is inspired by actual events, and I have only fictionalised character names and added a few imaginary references to engage the audience better.

Happy Father’s Day – father figures/mentors and father

June 20, 2021 By Kamalika Leave a Comment

I always tell my team that I’m the blended effect of everyone I have ever met. Today, while scrolling through hundreds of father’s day wishes on Facebook, I was trying to think how many ways my father may have influenced me and I realised it’s not only my father – there are father figures who have helped me become what I’m today. As a child, “Baba” was my go-to person for every question/doubt I had, be it literature, mathematics, science, sports, movies, politics, general knowledge or whatever. In a way, he was the mentor of an overtly curious kid who probably wanted to understand and analyse everything around them.

My uncle/teacher Mr Sibaprasanna Saraswati with his wife Late Mrs Shanti Mr Saraswati.

Then he introduced me to my uncle Mr Sibaprasanna Saraswati (husband of my father’s distant cousin), and I found my second father figure/mentor. He was the first person to make me believe in myself, who said it was OK if my literature paper marks are not that great because literature is more about the experience than analysis. It doesn’t matter if my school teachers were not impressed by my creative expressions, but I must carry on and evolve. Many students didn’t understand his teaching methods (including my fellow schoolmates), where he would mix pupils from different grades in a single batch and conduct classes. I loved it primarily for two reasons – it flourished my leadership side and I got a few followers from junior grades, which I immensely enjoyed back then as a teenager. It boosted my confidence because I could compete with my seniors and many a time emerged as a winner in his eyes. He taught me every piece of printed stationery is worth reading – even dictionaries are books and we must read them. He made me fall in love with English literature as he took the fear away that we vernacular medium students are not enough to learn the queen’s language. Quite humorously, he’ll do a percentage census and prove that the English speaking population in India was significantly higher than Britain’s total population! He emphasised learning mother tongue (Bengali/Bangla) because he believed if we know our mother tongue properly, then we can master and enjoy any language in the world. We never paid him any fees, but I sometimes got my father to buy him imported cigarettes! The lessons I learnt from him are invaluable, and they are the building blocks of my childhood and teenage.

My mentor Mr Bhaskar Sen, founder of Sika Qualcrete

I met my second father figure/mentor some fifteen years ago, Mr Bhaskar Sen, my best mate’s father. Because it is father’s day, I shall restrain myself from mentioning her mother, Mrs Jayasreen Sen, with whom I share an extraordinary bond whose impact on my life is beyond expressions. I was an ordinary IT employee when I met Uncle, and he was already retired from work, but a person like him never really retires. If not anything else, they keep mentoring and inspiring others, mostly people like me, searching for their ultimate calling. It was probably him and his life that gave me the courage to leave my hometown behind, build a life in Mumbai, and eventually becoming an entrepreneur in that unforgiving and challenging city (though successful or not is a different question!). I happen to spend both waves of the Covid-19 pandemic with him, and the way he has led all of us to through it is unbelievable. He taught me that a leader must lead from all fronts without dividing personal or professional, and just like a soldier, an entrepreneur is never off duty. He says entrepreneurship is not only running the business – it includes running everything around you with utmost dedication as much perfection as you can manage. He taught me life must be enjoyed even if the situation is worrisome and tense. He’ll appreciate my anger, and simultaneously he’ll teach me to hold my temperament through all adversities. If I ever have a future as an entrepreneur, it’ll be because he came into my life and changed the way I looked at the world.

Now that I have spoken a bit about the father figures in my life, it is time that I discuss a little about my father. A simpleton, a little bit chauvinistic when it came to his wife (my mother!) but entirely liberated in matters concerning his daughters (especially me!), a sincere worker with no career ambition, abstemious, food connoisseur, traveller (read tourist!), avid reader, sports lover and most importantly a communist. All in all, a total homely guy, great in theories of the world but hardly outgoing. He was quite the opposite of what I’m, but his values lie at the core of my value system. He taught me the basics of everything (except singing and drawing/painting and computer science), quite unconventionally though, as we never sat for typical teaching sessions. Let’s say if he didn’t teach me alphabets then I wouldn’t be able to spell “floccinaucinihilipilification”!

Last year I wrote a father’s day article on him while going through a complex state of mind – it became so emotional that I never read it a second time.

Happy Father’s Day – Why Should You Know Your Parent

June 22, 2020 By Kamalika Leave a Comment

It is a personal note which I thought of sharing, in memory of my deceased father, I hope it makes some sense for all of us.

The Monologue

My father and I were never close, at least that’s what I thought. Now, what does closeness/friendliness to your parent mean? Probably it means that you can share/discuss anything and respect one’s value addition to the other’s life decisions. I remember always fighting/debating with him over matters like which field of study should I chose, what political party should vote for, which politicians are worth our trust, how should I behave with a particular person even if I dislike him/her, when should I express my opinion and when not. While he was never a typical chauvinist, but his attitude towards my mother often seemed like one, but his female friends/colleague were gung-ho about the helpful and open-minded person he was. One of our most significant issues was his indulgence towards my younger sibling, I was always of the opinion that he should be stricter towards her for her good, but he would be biased and overlook every mistake she did. He was a simple, peaceful person who would generally not prefer to be part of any disagreement, but he was a person of opinion, especially about things that concerned him, or people close him. Was he a loving and doting father? No, his expressions would never say so, he was an idealist busy in his world of thoughts. He was someone who would smile only when his friends/colleagues were around. He was not an ideal father we read in books or see in movies. Did all of these make him a bad father? Now, what is the definition of a good parent? I believe there is no definition or pattern. I wouldn’t have the capability or courage of doing what I did with my life or the decisions I took if he was. He was a person who never made us feel that every Indian family needs a son. His daughters were more than enough. He wanted his children to be girls because he believed women have better compassion than men and that they were emotionally more powerful. He taught me to read books and watch movies without inhibitions and encouraged that I have my opinion about everything I see or learn, but I need not be getting into an argument to prove my point, I must choose my battles carefully. He never tried to become my teacher; he would talk about things randomly like a friend and encourage me to pay attention and remember/learn them for life. He was the most honest person I have ever seen in life; he would never ask for favours, won’t take gifts from clients and help them in every possible problem they had, and most of the times going beyond his way. He was a food enthusiast who hated spending money in restaurants but wanted my mother to cook all things possible at home, and he would read and talk about food/recipes from across the globe. He became so sickly before his demise that everyone thought it would be only fair to him to rest in peace, but I fiercely wanted him to stay, and he knew that. I never thought I would be, so grief-stricken after he was gone because we never had an apparent loving relation. Most of the time, I would be angry with him for not being fair to me or not listening to me for innumerable reasons. I wanted the grief to go away, but my every such attempt would push me to a fresh episode of depression. After almost a year of internal fighting, reasoning I realised, it is not possible to get rid of the grief of losing a parent because whether I want to admit it or not, I loved him, and he loved me too but in his unconventional ways. In many ways, I became the person he taught me to be, I inherited his emotions, his integrity, his intellectuality. We don’t get to choose our parents but whether we like it or not we become the product of our parent’s behaviour/nature and education. Like every child is not the same, and they need the upbringing suiting their specific needs, in the same extent, every parent isn’t the same. Like our parents give the effort to make us better, worthier similarly we also must invest in understanding our parents. I wish there shouldn’t anyone out there who understood the feelings for her father after he was gone. In my defence, while most of my life, I kept fighting/debating/arguing with my father over various matters I did protect him like my son. I lost my emotional intelligence after he was gone and still struggling to get my composure back, but one of my life’s most important lesson that it is crucial to emotionally invest in knowing your parents better otherwise we may have to lament for a lifetime. It took me almost two years (after his death) to pen down a memoir like this but, belatedly I did it defeating my ego to accept the biggest fallacy of my life. I thought it was essential to share because many from our generation would have similar differences with their parents without even being cognisant about the same.

That little girl…

August 19, 2014 By Kamalika Leave a Comment

It was twilight time; I was sitting on a concrete bench beside the shopping mall thinking whether or not to call my dear sister who kept me waiting for past ten minutes and was showing no signs to come any sooner than an hour. I was fuming inside; my regular pair of shoes are in real bad shape, need to buy some designer clothes before my next big presentation this Monday, probably a new watch too… and there she was, still busy in some important meeting with her ugly boss. Ting… “Hey Rhea, looks like its gonna take another 10 mins, you go inside the mall and start looking, I’ll join in a bit”… I don’t know why I make plans with this lady who never appears on time once she is inside the office, I’m going back to home right now, can’t take the same shit all the time!

“Didi… please gimme 20 rupees”… came a low soft voice… I looked around to find a tiny girl who was holding the hand of a even tinier boy; they both looked astonishingly tidy and sophisticated for beggars. [Read more…]