In India, the first challenge for a girl child is acceptance. More often than not, families refuse to accept their firstborn as a girl. In that way, Malavika was fortunate that her parents celebrated her and never opted for another child. But was that enough?
I’m Malavika…
I’m Malavika, and this is my story. After finishing my Engineering in Information Technology, I went on doing the CCNA certification, then joined a mid-sized tech company as a Network Support Engineer – and that’s when I realised that my IT basics were not as great as they seemed from my grades which led to many unpleasant challenges in my workplace. After some initial struggles, I quit and opened a small academy to teach diploma engineering students. I was always a good student and managed decent grades, so teaching proved to be better rewarding than a corporate job. But that also stopped after we had a Baby. Oh, did I tell you? I got married by that time, and my husband supported me well in my academic venture. But then I stopped working again because we decided to have a baby, and I wanted to be available for my baby as much as possible, even if that meant losing everything I had.
Was it the right decision to quit everything for my baby girl? Well, that’s where my self-realisation starts, and that’s what I’m going to share with you all today, how I got it all right and all wrong at the same time. My life’s experience tells me that just like the coin has two sides, we must not look at life from one perspective – there’s always another standpoint.
Ajji and I…
I was the only child of my working parents, and ours was a nuclear family. My mother had no option but to join back work right after three months of my birth, as maternity leave was only that much at that time. She appointed a private caregiver woman for me, but it turned out to be a bad idea – because of the maid’s negligence, I developed a mouth infection from the feeding bottle. That episode led to me getting hospitalised for an entire month. My grandparents lived in another city, and my grandmother was furious over my unfortunate illness. She held my mother’s work responsible and gave her an ultimatum – either my mother quits her job, or I move with my grandparents. Aai decided to let me go – I was only five months old by that time.
Life after Ajji…
Granny devoted all her time to my wellbeing for the next five years, probably the best time of my childhood. But God didn’t seem pleased with my happiness – she decided to put me through the pain again. My Ajji was diagnosed with a brain tumour and passed away immediately. I was back at my parents again. Granny was my whole world; she was irreplaceable. I could not deal with her untimely demise and became a difficult child. It was a stressful time for Aai and me. Aai’s very presence was the constant reminder of Ajji’s absence. Five years went by – I became a little better to come to terms with Ajji not being around.
Ajji’s vacuum was so much that I could never become close enough to Aai like a normal girl child. Now I understand Aai better but am still quite detached and in denial to accept Ajji’s death. It is what made me quit everything and be there only for my daughter. But after two years of motherhood, I have started to feel differently. It is crucial to be selfless and love your child unconditionally, but as women, we must empower ourselves to be independent by all means. I failed to weigh my mother’s sacrifices and acted selfishly. Aai was ahead of her time and understood the importance of financial independence.
Baba’s illness…
God was still testing me – there came another unpleasant twist when I was only twelve. My father was detected with a rare psychological disorder. Statistics say it isn’t that rare – almost 5%, close to five million US adults, have been diagnosed with it. The signs start showing pretty early. In my father’s case, he was in his thirties when it began. This tragedy brought my mother and me close as we were the only two warriors to fight through this as a family. It was worse for us because Indian society or the medical system didn’t have sufficient awareness to treat the disorder.
It wasn’t until I got married and my husband guided us to avail right kind of treatment, but by that time, Baba had suffered for almost fifteen years. Initially, we didn’t even know the correct name of the ailment. Last year when I was watching Modern Love on Amazon Prime, I could completely relate to what Lexi (Anne Hathaway) was going through. We have lived those days with my father. This kind of dysfunction plagues the whole family.
I was all grown up…
During all these struggles, I missed developing any aspiration to become something in life. Fortunately, I was a good student and managed to take science as a major in junior college. I finished a diploma and joined engineering directly in the second year. My diploma was in “Electronics and Communication”, and I got “Information Technology” vertical in engineering because of the unavailability of seats in the ECE department. It seems God was still testing me! I didn’t know anything about computer programming, and my first exam was on “Data Structures”! I refused to fail and memorised all the programs like a robot. I cleared the exams but couldn’t develop any actual knowledge. It wasn’t all bad, you know, because this is where I met my first love Pranav who later became my husband.
Marriage, job, Ananya…
I completed my engineering, got married and shifted to Mumbai. I had no idea what to do next – a well-wisher advised me to do a networking course as I was weak in practical computer programming. I did the CCNA certification, which only taught some more theories and no practical knowledge, and needless to say, it did no good to support my job! The workplace became more unpleasant with each passing day, and I decided to start teaching. I received positive responses from the students and took it as a full-time profession. Eventually, some limitations occurred when students other than ECE and IT streams started approaching us, and we couldn’t support them well. By that time, our Baby Ananya was already born.
The beginning two years of Ananya was challenging, but we bravely fought through it, and today she is a healthy child with enormous energy. She is the apple of our eyes. I love my child fiercely and unconditionally, but slowly, I have realised that I have lost touch with my inner self and the outside world in the process of becoming the perfect mother of my child. I’m far away from self-awareness, low in confidence, sometimes down in self-esteem. Pranav always wanted me to become financially independent and came up with many new ideas, but I always went in the opposite direction.
Introspection and new journey…
Today I’m not regretting my life choices but realised I must start the next chapter of life. It is time that I become something my daughter can be proud of, I don’t want her to respond with, “My mother only looks after me and does household chores.” when someone asks her, “what does your mother do?”. One of my close friends runs a startup, and they managed to design a role for me in which I don’t have to deal with computer programming or networking; instead, I have to work with the programmers and other tech people in a servant-leader capacity.
Yes, you are guessing it right! I’m on the pathway to becoming a Scrum Master and eventually an Agile Coach. I don’t know whether I’ll succeed in this endeavour, but this time I’ll give it a real chance and won’t give in easily. My mother’s greatest strength was her education, financial independence and grit and hadn’t I learned anything from her?
I’m Malavika, a startup girl; I have started many times anew in my life. The first time I was few months old, then when I was five and then again when I was twelve. Again, during my engineering, job and motherhood. Now my journey is towards the next level. So far, I have refused to bow down to the play of fate, and it won’t be any different in future.
Disclaimer: The narrative is inspired by actual events, and I have only fictionalised character names and added a few imaginary references to engage the audience better.
According to the Oxford dictionary, the word “sweet” depicts a kind of taste with the properties of sugar or something that is not savoury, bitter, or sour. To Bengalis “Mishti” means a dessert for which the main ingredient would be either or a combination of the following elements milk, chhana/paneer/cottage cheese, besan/chickpea flour, rice flour, puffed rice (Muri), flattened rice (Chire/Poha), popped rice (Khoi), coconut shavings and the sweetener will be either white sugar of or date palm jaggery (seasonal). Among all the ingredients, chhana is the most widely used, chhana is nothing but the Indian version of cottage cheese which is referred to as “paneer” by the rest of India and as Chhana, Chhena, Sana (Asam) by north-eastern India. Sometimes chhana is mixed with one or two of the other elements to create variations.
Here are some names of Bengali sweets that don’t use chhana as their principal component like Mishti Doi, Rabri, Payesh (Kheer for rest of India), Jilipi & Amritti (called as Jalebi otherwise), Dorbesh, Patishapta, Malpoa (Malpua), Narkel Naru (laddoos made of coconut shavings), Puli Pithe, Sitabhog, Mihidana. Some sweets are moist (“ros-er mishti”) and some are dry (like “Sondesh”), and some are a combination of both (like “Jolbhora”).
Despite the rows between Bengali and Odia communities on who made Rasogolla first, the World recognise it as one of the most extraordinary desserts from the Indian subcontinent. Primary ingredients to make Rasogolla are chhana and white sugar. Chhana made from full fat cow milk, and the sugar should be white refined fine-grained. Of course, Rasogolla by no means is health food no matter how dearly Bengalis promote it as one! Chhana once prepared and cooled to room temperature is mixed with sugar, semolina, all-purpose flour (secondary elements vary depending on the recipe) to create the perfectly round-shaped balls, and then more sugar and water are used to make the syrup (Ros/Chaasnee). There are other Rasogolla spin-offs like Rasmalai, Chom Chom, Rajbhog, Chhanar Payesh (even Pantua, Ledikeni, Langcha are Rasogolla improvisations). During winters there is a premium variety made with date palm jaggery instead of sugar.
Another Bengali dessert made with chhana and sugar/date palm jaggery depending on the season. Sondesh plausibly exists in the maximum number of variations across Bengal. There are distinct categorisations labelled as Koda Paak (hard knead) and Narom Paak (soft no-knead). Bengali sweet aficionados fancy Gur Sondesh (the one made with date palm jaggery) over other kinds. Kolkata Bengalis love their Koda Paak, especially the one described as Jolbhora it is a heart-shaped Misthi and at the centre, it has jaggery syrup filling, the 2018 film Dhadak, suggests several references to this one. Another well-known form of Sondesh is called Kanchagolla. Then there is Sorpuria, but Bengalis may debate deciding whether it is a type of Sondesh or a completely different “Mishti”. There is also Makha Sondesh usually available in smaller towns and villages. This type of Sondesh is a slightly grainy, soft no-knead almost Kheer like dessert.
Ah, the little too sweet variety of curd only ever available in Bengali dessert shops and nowhere else! Yes, though nowadays there are some brands like Mother Dairy, Epigamia offering “Misti Doi” but then the unadulterated taste can be only be felt (yes, you read it right, you have to feel the taste!) when served in an earthen bowl called Matir Bhanr (Kullad). Main elements consist of milk, curd culture, and sugar or jaggery. Of course, the milk has to be full fat and sugar has to be white refined fine-grained and if jaggery then the date palm. The fermentation process is much longer than that of regular curd, and it also varies depending on the weather conditions.
“Bhaja” is a Bengali word which means fried, ingredients of Bhaja Misthi are chhana, sugar, semolina, all-purpose flour. They are a moist variety of Bengali dessert, soaked in thick sugar syrup (Ros) after deep frying. Other variations of Bhaja Mishtis consist of Pantua, Langcha, Ledikeni, Kalojam, Chitrokut, Sorbhaja. Rest of India has only one variety of Bhaja Mishti called Gulab Jamun! 
The Bengali variant of Boondi Laddu made using gram flour, sugar, ghee/vegetable oil, and tastemakers like cardamom, cashew along with edible colours. Sumptuous when consumed fresh and mildly hot but little greasy and hard if kept in the fridge (not the ones made with ghee!).
Mihidana and Sitabhog both originated from a place called Burdwan, West Bengal. Primary elements of Mihidana are rice flour and sugar syrup, a distant cousin of Boondi where Mihi means fine, and Dana means grains. Sitabhog is also made using rice flour, sugar syrup, and has vermicelli like shapes. Authentic 
Mihidana and Sitabhog both may contain miniature Gulab Jamun like balls called “Nikuti”, for Sitabhog they are mandatory and optional for Mihidana.